I feel like this is one of those unpopular opinions that’s going to get me punched in the face—like the fact I’m not crazy about Harry Potter, or that I think Dean might be Rory’s best boyfriend. But here it is: I don’t like Halloween. Like, at all.
For some reason, everyone seems to go totally nuts about this one really random holiday. Which, when there are such gems as Christmas and New Year around the corner, seems like pretty bizarre behaviour to me. Because what even is Halloween? Christmas is all mistletoe and wine and fireplaces, New Year is sparkles and wishes and singing…but Halloween is what—ghosts? I don’t care about ghosts.
So yeah, I hate Halloween. And here’s why.
Halloween totally steals October’s thunder
October is the loveliest month of the year. Even the name sounds warm and orange and crispy. From the second that calendar turns, it’s like all the leaves turn brown and fall under your feet at the same time. It’s dreamy and picturesque and the stupid skeleton hanging in your garden is totally ruining it.
It’s taking credit for fancy dress parties
Look, I am all about fancy dress parties, OK? For most of my childhood, my dressing-up box was bigger than my wardrobe. I’ve probably been to less parties dressed as a normal human than I have dressed as a robot or a duck or Beyonce. So when suddenly all you cynics who wouldn’t go out in public with me dressed as an octopus last week are all on board with dressing up “because it’s Halloween”—I’m going to sulk.
I can’t carve pumpkins
I don’t know where I was when you guys learnt how to make a piece of fruit look like Voldemort, but I somehow missed that lesson, and it’s giving me FOMO.
My three least favourite things: spiders, blood, too-small socks. At least two of those things are bound to feature pretty heavily at your Halloween party, along with some rather suspect looking snacks shaped like cockroaches. So I’ll pass, thanks.
Trick-or-treating = harassment?
People that I don’t know knocking on my door always feels like an invasion of my personal space. I find it seriously irritating when salespeople do it, so I definitely don’t want your annoying child to do it. And if I have any sweets in my house, I’m going to be eating them myself.
When I get scared, I cry
I don’t hate scary movies, but I do cry whenever I get a fright. So if Halloween means watching Saw with the lights off, then Halloween means me sobbing into my pumpkin juice.
What do you think? Is Halloween the worst? Or do I just have terrible taste?