It’s that strange time of year again when everyone I know suddenly gets glued to a show called The Great British Bake Off. This has always been baffling to me. Why on Earth would anyone want to watch a show called The Great British Bake Off? Do you guys not know that Netflix exists?
This year, it seems I’m the only one left on the planet who isn’t live-tweeting #GBBO every Wednesday night. So at last, I gave in—and I settled down to watch it. Here is everything that went through my head.
1. Well this is just delightful
Within the first few minutes, there has been an “oh dear” montage and about 65 baking puns, including “that takes the biscuit” and “you’re crackers”.
What on earth is biscotti and how are they supposed to just make it? Can they google the recipe? Why is this music so dramatic? I’m scared.
3. Biscuits are not this serious
Everyone forgot to tell these guys that you’re supposed to eat biscuits, not talk about them.
4. That woman is about to cry
Nope, I can’t handle this. “I’m trying not to get emotional,” she just said. I mean, it’s a show about biscuits, you can chill.
5. How do the judges eat all of these?
They just ate 11 biscuits in a row. Is there some kind of Roman vomitorium situation going on? I don’t want to know.
6. I feel full just watching this; will this work as a diet?
I seriously never want to eat another biscuit again.
7. Actually that looks delicious
Nope, I changed my mind. BRB ordering loads of carbs on Desserts Delivered.
8. This is exactly as boring as I thought
I’m just watching old people eat biscuits. If I was interested in that, I would have just gone to my Granny’s Bridge club.
9. Why would I want this much info on biscuits?
They just had a five minute interlude on the history of biscuits. That’s absurd.
One of the contestants just crossly called herself a “silly silly”. I know the feeling, random contestant whose name I’ve forgotten.
11. Couldn’t they afford cuter aprons?
I’d like to see them all in adorable flowery aprons. Or maybe those aprons that make you look like you’re naked.
12. Wait, why am I now watching an arts and crafts show?
Are they all professional artists as well as bakers?! Except that guy. That guy’s is rubbish.
One contestant just broke her biscuit at the end of 4 hours of baking it. That seriously sucks. Also 4 hours is a bloody long time; do the contestants not get bored too? And the camera crew? And the biscuits?
14. This is getting ridiculous
Aaaand someone’s crying again. Over cake. Never cry over cake, OK? It’s lame.
15. …. *play next episode*