This whole blog idea came about from a pretty major crisis of identity, involving the eggplant emoji. I’d been spending a lot of time on Twitter, and soaking up all the eggplant humour that goes with it (hence it being implanted in my brain as an eggplant emoji—even though it is quite clearly an aubergine). Anyway, I was half way through composing a hilarious eggplant-related “that’s what she said” tweet when it hit me. The eggplant emoji is so me.
And it might be you too. These are the warning signs that you might actually be the eggplant emoji.
1. You’re a little bit awkward
I am awkward and uncomfortable in almost everything I do. I never know what to do with my hands. Or what to say. Or if I should be smiling. Or if I’m drunk.
2. You’re not quite what you seem
On the outside, I apparently seem like a boring vegetable. Seriously, I get told this a lot, and I’m not sure why. When people get to know me, they’re always like “Wow, I used to think you were a total square.” But here’s the thing: I’m so not a boring vegetable. You may think I’m being serious—but I’m usually making a secret penis joke.
3. When you like someone, you really like them
If I even slightly like you, then I have a huge crush on you. Massive. An “is that an eggplant in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me” kind of crush on you. I probably stalk your social media accounts on the regs and I’ve probably fantasised about us being best friends and going on nights out together. I’ve also probably cried because you didn’t invite me to your birthday party. This applies particularly if you’re famous. And mainly if you’re Taylor Swift.
4. Your pop culture references are already out of date
I mean, eggplant emoji jokes are already kind of done, aren’t they? I have never been ahead of the curve—but not in a cool, vintage way either. My pop culture references are always so bang on time that they’re already pretty much out of date.
5. You’re kind of in bad taste
I have no filter, and so most of what I say is in pretty bad taste. I also have pretty bad taste. I mean, all my favourite films win Razzies, and I once got told I dress like a colourblind hooker.
6. You look better on paper
I may be a writer, but I’m pretty terrible with words when they’re spoken out loud. That’s why I was never in the debate club at school; I stayed in my room and wrote strongly-worded letters instead. Just like an emoji, I’m kind of a down-on-paper kinda gal. And that’s why all my friends are books.
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